Snidely Tweeting 2

Below are the words, more or less, of Eric D. Snider. On his Twitter feed, he wrote the words you’ll see below in Twitter blue. But the words you’ll see in red are actually coming from me, T. Buckingham Thomas, acting as a ghost writer. Let’s try to keep that straight, now, shall we? Red is me being Eric, and blue is Eric being Eric. Okay?

Hello! And welcome once again to “Snidely Tweeting.” I’m your host, Eric D. Snider.

And happy Halloween season! This year I’m going as a redhead. Always wanted to be one.

A California native and BYU graduate, I now live in Portland, Oregon, where I’m a freelance movie reviewer available for hire. Is anyone in the market for some insightful cinema commentary? Tweet @EricDSnider.

Many of my tweets are addressed to my fellow film critics and journalists and bloggers. But it’s not all shop talk. For example, when Robin Williams committed suicide, I commented about my own struggle with depression. For another example, we also joke.

You see, I once wrote a humor column, starting in 1997 when I was a student in Utah. There are 692 “Snide Remarks” archived here. However, it’s been a year since I wrote one.

Somebody named T. Buckingham Thomas has tried to make up for my columnar negligence by preserving some of my tweets and pasting them into articles. His first effort was here. Now he’s back. Here's his latest attempt.

My condolences to everyone who lives in daily fear that a tragedy will lead to their loved ones being taken away from them. (That is, their guns.)

Shooter had history of violence, child abuse, still owned guns. "How could we have prevented this??" people will ask. The bumper sticker (which I guess is also public policy?) needs to be revised: "Guns don't kill people — or protect them. People do."

DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES: I found the angry, semi-literate monkeys with guns highly entertaining. But enough about the Tea Party rally, let's talk movies!

The guy in THE FAULT IN OUR STARS is going places, folks. Remember his name: Amsel Ergolt. Ansal Elmort. Anal Ergot. Antel Egrolt. Hang on.

2021 update: When Steven Spielberg's WEST SIDE STORY came out, I learned that the actor's name is actually "Ansel L. Gort."

The thing about FROZEN that always struck me as implausible is the part where a woman says she doesn't mind the cold.

Obscure movie trivia: In 2014, Dwayne Johnson starred in a movie called HERCULES. (Look it up.)

Obscure movie trivia: In 2014, Kevin Costner starred in a movie called DRAFT DAY. Another DRAFT DAY mistake: I'm preeeeetty sure there's not actually a football team called "The Browns." I mean, come on. (I don't know who LeBrawn Jane is, but I hope she finds love in Cleveland.)

Is there an in-universe answer for how Capt. America's shield appears or disappears depending on whether he needs it in that scene? He always has the shield when he needs it, but in scenes where he doesn't need it, he doesn't appear to be carrying it. Where does it go?? (Also, how does he eat and breathe, and other science facts?) (It's just a show. I should really just relax.)

Rule of thumb: When violence is the main factor, whatever MPAA rating a movie gets, assume it deserves the next higher one. (Note the R rating for THE RAID 2 and the PG-13 rating for every action movie of 2014.)

47 RONIN: guy decapitates an enemy, holds his severed head aloft, rated PG-13. NEBRASKA: someone says the F-word twice, rated R. Profanity is even more common than violence, and still somehow we're more offended by it.

Of HERCULES (PG-13) and LUCY (R), which would you guess has severed heads, slaughtered kids, and the F-word? The answer may surprise you! HERCULES and LUCY are equally violent (very). HERCULES is rated PG-13, though, so take the kids! LUCY is rated R, so you must never see it.

We have a new worst one: FOXCATCHER — with no swearing or sex, brief non-graphic violence, and a scene of someone doing coke — is rated R. What a joke the @MPAA is. Foxcatcher, foxcatcher, catch me a fox.

Saw NOAH. Eager to read serious complaints about it being sacrilegious or blasphemous, because that's straight-up nonsense. Yes, NOAH is "blasphemous" in the sense that it tells a Biblical story but isn't faithful to the Bible version. So wow, such blasphemy! After EXODUS I hope they make LEVITICUS and it's just two hours of people stoning each other for eating shellfish.

Make fun of the rednecks in INTO THE STORM if you want to, but at least the people of Oklahoma are finally being depicted realistically. Hey everyone, we're going to start calling tornadoes "nadoes." Pass it on. "Dorothy! Get in here before that nado hauls you off to Munchkinland!"

Lyrics to the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" actually work pretty well for the film SABOTAGE. Lyrics: "I can't stand it." OK, it falls apart after that.

My next adventure begins tomorrow: watching my brother's kids for four days. First thing I gotta do is learn their names. 3-year-old nephew informs me that pizza and breadsticks are a common breakfast here. Seems legit.

I'm now solely responsible for three children until Sunday afternoon: my niece (9) and nephews (7 & 3). Pretty sure they already prefer me to their parents.

I'm a nanny! A man-ny? Mrs. Doubtsnider.

Why doesn't English have a collective word for "nieces and nephews"? Can we just decide it's niecephews? OK, niecephews it is. Thank you.

Niecephews have been fed (Carls Jr) and entertained (Carls Jr play place). Uncle of the year!

"Can we—?" Look, if you can do it quietly and without hurting anyone, the answer is yes. UPDATE: eating dinner in front of the TV is not something that can be done quietly and without hurting anyone.

The 3-year-old watches a lot of Tom & Jerry, no Bugs Bunny that I'm aware of. Obviously there are some changes to be made in this house. Look, you stupid cat, you shot the mouse in the head and nothing happened! He can't be killed. Give up.

'90s radio station. Kids now gleefully chanting "Whoomp, there it is!" (except 3-yr-old, who's saying "Whoops, there it is"). Love.

It's exhausting pitching my conversation to a 3-year-old's level all day long. How does Limbaugh do it?

Youth soccer! Ages seem to range from 5 to 11 on a single team. Few rules. Coach wearing necktie definitely taking his job too seriously. Also, this is supposed to be a girls' soccer team, but I suspect we have a LADYBUGS situation.

Mormons, one good reason not to name your daughter Cumorah is that when yelled from the sidelines of a soccer game, it sounds like Gomorrah. After two days of nannying, I can no longer comprehend how Mormons have lots of kids but don't drink.

My brother and his wife will be back in a few hours — just enough time to find a lookalike for the kid I lost on Thursday.

Thrice today I've passed the feminist bookstore near my house where they're filming PORTLANDIA, thrice I have seen nary a Fred nor Carrie. And that's the only way I would see them, since I don't watch the show.

Public transport in Portland is terrific if you like the smell of body odor and being late. TriMet asks “What's your vision for transit service in your community?" Light rail that runs according to a schedule! So the northbound Yellow line scheduled at Prescott at 8:10 just ... didn't happen tonight? We just skipped that one? Good grief, TriMet. Even Mussolini couldn't make your trains run on time. You could just tweet this, without context, once a day: “We apologize for the inconvenience and are working to fix the issue.”

Portlanders, don't forget TriMet's policy: if the MAX is running more than 10 minutes behind schedule, you don't have to pay for a fare. (Strictly speaking, that might just be my policy, not TriMet's.)

I don't like the word "Portlanders." Too ordinary. Portlandios? Portlions? Portl&ers? Portlannisters?

After 9 years of living in Portland, I am finally the owner of a bicycle (and lock and helmet, etc.). I've gone native.

A guy got shot in the butt a couple hundred feet from my apartment Saturday night! Dismal marksmanship: I heard 5 shots.

Last night I saw guys breaking in to the pizza place next to my apartment! I got to call 911 and say "ROBBERY IN PROGRESS"! It was so exciting: the pizza place just east of me being robbed two nights after somebody got shot just west of me.

Well, that was fun. I owned a bike for two whole weeks before someone stole it from off my own M.F.ing porch. Positives: 1) It was a used bike, given to me by a friend, so it didn't cost anything. 2) Now I don't feel guilty about not riding it more. They also took my $15 lawn chair! It wasn't nailed down, but jiminy effing cricket, IT'S A PLASTIC CHAIR! What are they gonna do, pawn it?

This rage and indignation over society's ills, this thirst for vengeance — this is what Tea Partiers feel like all the time, isn't it?

Shooting a block away, 2 nights later pizza place next door robbed, 2 nights later my bike gets stolen. Time to move neighborhoods. Have been informed by Jeff Bayer that my Portland neighborhood's crime rate is 97% while it's only 0% in his San Diego neighborhood.

Just crossed into Idaho. They stopped me at the border, but fortunately, I had my liberalism hidden in my keister. I saw this billboard twice in Idaho. I ... don't get it. Wind power leads to STDs? Immorality? What?

"The drivers here in [this state] are the worst drivers anywhere!" — people in every state.

Yesterday was a travel day. Like all travel days, it completely wiped me out and made me never want to travel again. I am delicate.

I'm in Utah to celebrate with family & friends. Where else would you have a big party but Provo??

"You have caused me to cringe in embarrassment more than any person I know." — something a friend said to me during a birthday tribute. (And I'm honored because she has a lot of embarrassing friends.)

People who listen to music on their phones in public without headphones: why does the law forbid us from pushing them in front of trains? No, see, the great thing about cell phones is that no matter how loud I talk, only the person at the other end of the line can hear me!

Loud, irritating, completely unnecessary, and a waste of resources: Leaf blowers are the Tea Party of power tools. [Holly remarks: “Says a man with no leaves to blow.”] Nobody has leaves to blow. People have leaves to rake, which they choose to blow because they hate quiet.

The great thing about leaf blowers is that besides being noisy and toxic, they also blow dirt and crap through your open windows.

Sir, you're making a lot of very loud noise in a public place. If you don't stop, I'll write you a ticket. Oh, it's a motorcycle? OK, then!

No matter how reprehensible something is, somebody on the Internet will defend it: racism, domestic violence, HALLOWEEN 3, anything.

When you die, all your former pets greet you at the Pearly Gates, except for the ones you put in Halloween costumes, because they hate you.

Today is my parents' 41st wedding anniversary! They were married a whole two months before they got pregnant with me and ruined everything.

How did they find each other? I told the story in this testimony. See the last half of Element 2.

42% of Millennials favor socialism, but only 16% can accurately define it. Still, that's 16% better than Fox News.

Yes, it's getting easier for rich people to buy elections. But don't worry, it's also getting harder for poor people to vote in them.

Many people's dilemma right now: "On the one hand, I hate agreeing with Obama. On the other hand, I do like bombing things..." "On the one hand, I keep accusing him of ignoring the Constitution. On the other hand, he's doing exactly what it says to do..."

I want to burn your house down. OK, fine, I'll just burn down part of it. What do you mean, no? Why won’t you negotiate with me??

Paul Ryan looks like me when I'm sarcastically pretending to be deeply interested in something.

What kind of bitter jackknob do you have to be to refuse to get health insurance just because you don't like Obama? That's straight-up dumb.

"Offering insurance that includes contraceptives" does not equal "dispensing contraceptives." Geez you people.

Love this headline: Homeopathy product recalled over fears it may contain actual medicine.

Thanks to Obamacare, I can afford to go to the dentist today for the first time in years.

Wow, it really has been a while since I've been to the dentist. Do they not do haircuts anymore??

ZIT ON MY LOWER BACK: random and unmotivated, uniquely painful. Points for unusual setting, but otherwise indefensible. D+

I'm not dumping a bucket of ice water on my head for Lou Gehrig's disease. He didn't do crap for mine.

[If so, Justin Helmer asks, “What is the most appropriate way to raise awareness for Eric D. Snider's disease?”]

Cash! Sure, I'm broke. But a lot of people owe me money for work I've done, so it's practically like I do have money!

The next installment is here.