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Chunk Beefsteak!
Written May 25, 2004


Question:  Whom do the following names ridicule?


Slab Bulkhead!

Fridge Largemeat!

Pont Speedchunk!

Butch Deadlift!

Bold Bigflank!

Splint Chesthair!

Flint Ironstag!

Bolt van der Huge!

Thick McRunfast!

Blast Hardcheese!

Buff Drinklots!

Trump Slamchest!

Fist Rockbone!

Stump Beefknob!

Smash Lampjaw!

Punch Rockgroin!

Pluck Plankchest!

Stump Junkman!

Dirk Hardpec!

Rip Steakface!

Slate Slabrock!

Crud Bonemeal!

Brick Hardmeat!

Rip Slagcheek!

Punch Sideiron!

Gristle McThornbody!

Slate Fistcrunch!

Buff Hardback!

Bob Johnson . . . oh, wait.

Blast Thickneck!

Crunch Buttsteak!

Slab Squatthrust!

Lump Beefbroth!

Touch Rustrod!

Brief Blastbody!

Big McLargehuge!

Smoke Manmuscle!

Beet Punchbeef!

Hack Blowfist!

Roll Fizzlebeef!


Answer:  The character Dave Ryder in the 1988 film Space Mutiny, an earnest action hero who chases the bad guy by commandeering what appears to be a Zamboni floor polisher.

I transcribed these forty sobriquets from an episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 in which the crew shouts out alternative names for Dave every time he barges into a scene.

Buff McHardknuckle himself, played by
Reb Brown (seen here with Cisse Cameron)

I also liked this mind-bending intermission scene from the Prince of Space episode.  Tom Servo's lines are in red, Mike's in green, Crow's in gold, and Gypsy's in purple.

(Enters) Well, yeah, Mike, I was wondering that myself.  Weird, isn't it?

(Enters) Oh, hey, Tom.  How'd you get here so fast?

Oh, he'll be along.  I have his chicken puppet.

Hey, where's Crow?

Talking like what?

Why are you talking like that?

Well, no, I'm not; I'm just way ahead of you, Mike.

Well, like that.  You know, you're answering my questions before I ask them.  (To Crow, who is not yet present) I don't know; I'm just asking him the same thing.

No, you dope.  I mean I'm moving faster than you, temporally speaking.

Hey.  What do you mean, you're way ahead of me?

Well, I asked you for it, Crow.  You were right here.

(Enters) Hi, guys.  Hey, how'd you get here so fast?

That's what I've been trying to tell you, Mike.  I'm ahead of you by about three seconds.

You know what, guys?  I think there may be something wrong with the space-time continuum.

Servo, how'd you get my chicken puppet?

(Enters) Nope.  Sorry.  Everything's on the fritz.  My burrito was done before I put it in the oven.  Oh!  (Exits)

All right, all right, take your damn chicken puppet.  I'll have it back before you even know it, anyway.  (Giggles)

Hey, Tom, why don't you give him his chicken puppet back, all right?  (Takes puppet from Tom and puts it on Crow's hand)

Say, why don't we ask Gypsy to mess with the warp engines?

Well, all's I know is I want my chicken puppet back!  (Sees it on his hand)  Hey, how'd that happen?

That's a good idea.  (Calling off)  Gypsy, there's something wrong with the space-time thingy.  Isn't there anything we can do?

Well, okay, Gypsy.  Well, I guess all we can do is ride it out.  I'm out of here.  (Exits)

Okay, Gyps.  I guess all we can do is ride it out.  I'm  go--  Wow, that's a weird déjà vu.

(Carries a chicken puppet through the scene, giggling)

Yeah, that's a good idea, Crow.  You do that.  (To audience)  This is really weird.  We'll be right back.  (Exits).

Well, I'm just going to play with my chicken puppet till this blows over.  I'll see you, Mike.  Tom.  (Exits whistling with his puppet)

(After a pause, enters again without the puppet)  Hey, did anybody see my chicken puppet?





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